How am I doing? I’m not OK.

I’m not entirely sure how to write this.

I haven’t been active on the blog side of things lately. My thoughts have been jumbled, doubt setting in, and I’m struggling to put my thoughts into coherent sentences. It’s taken me over a month to find the courage to write this.

These are the various thoughts that run through my head:

Will Hannah hate me when she’s older? Have I shared too much? Or will she be glad that I shared her story and am trying to raise awareness.  She’s had colds on and off, so we haven’t been as sociable with other families from the ward, we’re still going through a form of isolation, and I really want to get out with Hannah more.  My mornings are spent finding the energy to get me and Hannah ready for her trip to nursery (when she can go) and it feels like I’m letting her down, that we should be doing something before nursery, instead of just watching TV and getting dressed.

It feels like I will never get my motivation back, I’m always feeling tired, I’m not sure I’m making much of a difference, are people getting sick of me talking about cancer? I’m struggling to connect with people, I overthink what I should say (so I don’t say much), and I then wonder if people would prefer I didn’t speak.

Am I the reason Hannah has so many tantrums, am I doing something wrong, does she resent me holding her down for procedures? Will this get better, will she be able to walk by a road without trying to run into oncoming traffic? Will she allow me to dress her without a tantrum?

Most times it’s hard to focus. I’m exhausted but force myself to make an effort. I feel like a failure, even though I’m doing what I can. I worry too much. I’m troubled with guilt, over things that are out of my control. I’m overwhelmed with fear. I’m becoming anti-social, believing that I’m either a bore or out of place.

When people ask me how I’m doing, a few of the things above run through my head, but instead I say things like this:

“We’re fine.”

“We’re getting there.”

“We’re doing well.”

“Hannah’s keeping us busy.”

Despite all this, I’m trying by best to remain positive. Some days, I’m a tower of strength and some days, I don’t do so well. I have to rebuild myself every day, remind myself of all the good things, our future together and the plans we have as a family.

Hannah is in remission, and we’ll hold onto those words like a life raft.